Some research has shown that holidays are the most wonderful time of the year! Carols are piped in from every speaker beginning in early November to remind us of special family gatherings, and simpler times. All the good girls and boys gather around the hearth for stories of dancing sugarplums and an overweight man in pajamas who mysteriously avoids getting stuck in narrow chimneys.
A new study just released from WTF University suggests that extra activity, elevated costs and over-indulgence are not necessarily a positive experience. In the study, 99% of People with Parkinson's have reported gift wrapping or addressing greeting cards to be as much fun as "an arm bar from UFC Champion Ronda Rousey" or "poking a sharp stick in my own eye." PwP struggle in stressful and rushed situations as if we are trapped in quicksand, during a hailstorm, with a swarm of bees on our necks ...negotiating an obstacle course... in platform shoes.
How can you even trust us with your stemware?
A super fun holiday tradition is to circle for parking in the loudest, most crowded public areas so we can stand in long lines and buy more stuff. It will be fun, they say. Some of us go along, only to question whether time might be better spent inserting sharp objects beneath our fingernails. After conducting various studies on the effects of holiday merriment, we've compiled a list of things you can do while in gridlocked traffic or stuck next to surly train passengers who don't bother offering a seat. Years of analysis in laboratories of esteemed Universities and aesculapian environments, where we've studied forced celebrations, mistletoe, and that deadly combination of fruit mixed with cake are getting us closer to a cure for holiday blues.
Go buy more stuff. Hurry! Preferably plastic stuff that will end up in a landfill, and was made by tiny slave hands in a third world country. Studies show that it doesn't matter what you actually do, as long as you keep telling everyone what a good person you are and show up for the Christmas Eve services at your local Catholic church. Once a year is enough to call other people sinners while you piously gaze at the three wise men set up next to Father Joe, who happens to be a homophobic narcissist. According to Bobby the altar boy's vine feed, Father Joe enjoys spinning in circles in front of a gilded mirror prior to addressing your congregation.
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty!"
West Side Story has nothing on that guy.
Before pretending to be holy, botox the bleep out of that tired face of yours! Keep your wallet open, but pay no mind that your toes are sticking up (or curled under) from Dystonia, or that due to bradykinesia, you move like Tim Conway from The Carol Burnett Show. You just want to be able to button your own damn shirt, but instead you have to be concerned with eliminating wrinkles for photo ops? Sure you'll do fine in stilettos! (As fine as an intoxicated truck driver in drag.) Bonus for attempting heels: You'll get to escape early and get a free Uber ride if Aunt Crystal Moonbeam confuses the symptoms of Parkinson's for intoxication. She'll let everyone (except for you) know her concerns before arranging your transportation. Try to hold your giggles in as she condescends exactly as she does with the Asian grocer on College Ave.
"No. More. Egg. Nog. For. You."
You were just standing there minding your own business by an elaborate display of sugary treats when flawless country club Amy sashayed over to let you know for the fourteenth time that she was in fact "a cheerleader at CAL!" (You'd guessed this, because along with the peppy Betty Boop voice, her hair, makeup and butt are in exactly the same place they were in the early 80's.) Her husband looks vaguely disoriented as he trails in her click clack high heel steps, nodding enthusiastically at everything she says. You picture a dog, afraid to be beaten for not performing tricks the right way. Maybe he just needs a dog.
Speaking of pets, when you wander in circles muttering frustrations, the dog thinks you are upset with him. He doesn't have enough of a complex from that elf costume you force him to wear for your expanding collection of youtube videos titled "humiliating family pets" linked to your blog about how to apply makeup to hide your cold dark soul. To put a more feminist spin on that illuminator the clown lady at the Mac counter talked you into buying by the case, try this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lET-WXTsSwc&feature=youtu.be
Now rush to that obnoxious line of couture shops in the overdeveloped part of town and get in line to pay too much for the latest fad. These clothes have magical qualities, like strategically masking any real faults such as pettiness, close-mindedness, selfishness or ignorance. According to People magazine, the Kardashians always win at "who wore it better", but before you start celebrating any vicarious victories, pause to remember that you have exactly nothing in common with famous people- except Botox. Sure, you'll look fabulous in the same tight leather pants with your cankles and your non-professionally trained gluteus maximus! Airbrush and photoshop do not work real time... yet. It's likely that you will worship Jesus all season long, along with your other spiritual advisor Sara Blakely, the inventor of Spanx.
Pro tip: GLITTER! Sprinkle that shit everywhere! It makes absolutely everything look a bit less menacing, and it does taste like chicken!
Your shaky hands must endure professional manicures given by immigrants you terrify with your voting habits. In retaliation, they talk smack about your gnarled toes and how your fingernails are gnawed down to bits. If they ask you to stop shaking and sit still, just tell them that you know where they live. Mind your manicure, as hands that help other people or prepare food for the homeless only cause ropey blue veins, eventually leading to MTF (Mother Theresa Face.) Best to just sit there and look neutral like Switzerland in your pretty but incredibly itchy sequined blouse making chit chat.
Would you like to add the extra foot massage for Christmas? What I'm hoping Santa brings is a moisturizer that hides the fact that I've been utterly exhausted since 1999. Maybe something from clown tears and oompah-loompah trees, or Whoville, so I can glean energy off the backs of the little people, like our politicians tend to do.
Chop down a tree and bedazzle the hell out of it, as did with your revised senior prom gown in the 80's. I know you saw Pretty in Pink seven times, so don't pretend you have no idea. To add glimmer and flash this holiday, the theme is "the gaudier the better". Nature is best utilized for holiday decor!
Studies could not confirm Santa's reported plan for world domination. Our research confirmed Santa is actually Donald Trump, who is actually Pol Pot who is actually The Wizard of Oz, and a "hilarious" prank played on all of us while we were languishing on our Crate and Barrel outlet furniture binge-watching Real Housewives or driving Johnny to soccer.
By the way, why is Johnny always late and do you realize know you're are missing a shoe and your shirt is on backwards?
Consider how the sky is probably falling as you toss bulk cheese wheels and napkins printed with snowmen and sleighs into your gigantic go-cart at Costco. Engage the stressed employee at the register as if you have known her forever, sharing intimate details of your exciting holiday plans while a long winding resentful line forms in your queue. As you turn to go, wish everyone "Happiest of holidays!" and wave with your matching scarf and mittens featuring little helmets from your favorite lucrative football franchise.
Go team, and don't forget to sample the cheesy puffs!
You've got to prepare for that holiday party as if we are all sliding toward Armageddon. Think of ways to pose your increasingly resentful family in khakis and matching shirts for your annual greeting card you mail by December 1st. Communicate your angst not in clear language, but passive aggressively blasting this playlist, which also works well for any holiday or family gathering:
https://open.spotify.com/user/121907452/playlist/7McM2lFL9KNhqJR8u03obI
Gather round for some egg nog and warm fuzzy feelings!
By the way, my son did not steal Baby Jesus from your elaborately garish manger. So you can stop pretending you want to talk about the neighborhood watch committee and at least have the decency to brush your teeth before you ring my bell in your non-ironic Christmas sweater. You win, by the way. That sweater really is the best. You may enjoy some vodka with clove spice... I meant to say my delicious blue ribbon award-winning egg nog recipe! I am only on number three, or seven. Math is not my happy place, OK? Now let's go outside, look up at the nearest tree and sing Oh Christmas Tree a cappella, adding interpretive dance for the "such pleasure do you bring me" part. Let's gallop past the postman, startling him with our rendition of Joy to the World, and get this party started!
The neighbors stopped waving back at us in 1997 for good reason.
Research confirms that everyone loves a good holiday break, especially wrapping gifts. When I hand you a present, just play along. So what if it looks like a toddler wrapped your gift, which I was organized enough to order ahead from this popular catalogue:
http://adequateman.deadspin.com/the-2016-hater-s-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog-1789529261
Next year I'll get it all together, learn how to do hyper-links and more appropriate dance moves. I don't blame you for not inviting me to your party. I'd prefer to be over here watching claymation videos about another Island of Misfit Toys. Misfits have more fun, a new study confirms.
P.S. I don't mention the real reasons for this holiday season, because yes, this is comedy. Peace, LOVE and Happy Holidays to ALL!
wrapping skills = Jedi Master